Dear You,

    It's been a while since we've talked and I'm not sure where you are anymore, so I hope this message gets to the right place. I haven't been able to come to terms with you leaving, not just yet. Filling up the empty space in my heart is easier said than done and I just want you to understand. Our last words weren't really last words, but rather laughter and our voices filling the air while singing along to my mix CD. Our best friends all blame me in a case where there wasn't anyone to blame but the man who took you away.

    With your blood on my face, things were so real. My hand trembles when these words trickle from this mechanical pencil. For some reason, I've told all the wrong people about your passing. I never told the therapist, and mother and father don't know what happened to you and why I'll never return to New Jersey. When I was 'invited' to your funeral, I politely refused as I gazed into your mother's forgiving eyes. She knew how hard this was for me and I would just swallow my tongue the second I got up to speak about you. I'd have so many things to say about how wonderful you were and there isn't going to be anyone like you. I'm not sure what I miss more, the great friend you were or the caring boyfriend you were.

    Is the view from Heaven suiting you well?

    Please tell me there is someplace after death, because I can't imagine your ashes going to waste as fodder for the earth.

   Remember the night where we told each other we should break up and stay friends, but that didn't happen? I wish we had separated then. You'd still be alive. We wouldn't be driving around aimlessly. I wouldn't be afraid to step into a car and see another driver skidding down the road. There isn't a place for me to be safe anymore because I've completely lost my mind.

    Scott misses you dearly, he'd like you to know that, even if he won't talk to me anymore. I know he doesn't want to avoid me but when we see each other, we see you. Alana forbids anyone to talk to me as if I was the cause of everything. She loved you. Maybe more than I ever did, as impossible as both of us thought that would be. Megan barely knew you but her heart aches when your name slips up. Quinn has mixed feelings. I know he knows what's right and what's wrong, but he has a grudge against me. Mike acts like you never existed. Tawny doesn't hate me because she was more my friend but she'll be mean when Alana is around. Ty took this the hardest out of all of them. Months have passed and your/our/my friends have changed.

    There is an 'I' in sacrifice but there will never be a 'we'.

    But thanks for the memories.

                                                   Sincerely, Me.